Tuesday, July 29, 2003
Life’s A Lottery
More airborne philosophizing. Right now, I’m sitting on a plane flying from Minneapolis to Tampa. Not that I was really in the M-polis, I just changed planes there. And I didn’t sleep on the red-eye from SFO to MSP, so please forgive my rambling.
We all get dealt a hand, and we have the freedom to trade some of our cards and not others. (OK, so maybe life is more of a poker game.) Random things happen, good and bad, and we just have to roll with them.
And some things are good and bad. I loved my Grandmother dearly, and I miss her greatly, but I have very strong memories – memories that I can turn to for strength, and guidance. Not as good as actually talking with her, of course, but you take what you can get.
And on yet another sad note, my friend Guy’s grandmother is gravely ill. She’s been down this road before and recovered miraculously, but the doctors feel that she will not make it. Guy was kind enough to travel down to Florida when my grandmother was dying. I don’t have that flexibility right now, but I will be in NJ later this week and will be sure to visit with his mother, whom I also care about deeply.
At the risk of sounding flippant, it’s been a bad year for grandmothers. Scott’s grandmother passed away while I was driving out to California last April. I lost my grandmother last month, and now Guy’s grandmother. Very sad.
I used to work for someone who believed very sincerely that all things happened in threes, good and bad. He drew this, I believe, from his strong belief in the Trinity. While I don’t know about that, I do look forward to some happier times soon.
As to my original comment, that life is a lottery, what I really mean is that there are many things that happen to us that are completely out of our control. We go about our lives, and sometimes we get hit by the money truck, and other times we get hit by a real truck. While there are things that we can do to improve the odds, you never know when you’re just going to be in the wrong place at the wrong time, or in the right place at the right time.
This leads me to two main thoughts. First, that we need to stop and enjoy our good fortune when we can. We live in a world filled with beauty, and there are lots of opportunities to enjoy ourselves and be happy. And, if we’re smart, we can make things better for others as we travel down the road of life.
The second thought is that we really need to stop and reexamine the cult of personal responsibility that has sprung up over the past twenty years or so. Yes, people make foolish choices, and when these choices turn out badly, there is a cost to be borne. But sometimes these choices are made out of ignorance – and shouldn’t we try to help our fellow man, not by handouts, but by teaching and by kindness.
There is also a tendency to blame people for the random bad things that happen to them. I subscribe to an e-mail list that focuses on BMW motorcycles. Inevitably, list members have traffic accidents, some of which were avoidable and others that weren’t. But there is a surprising tendency to blame accident victims for not being sufficiently clairvoyant to predict that a car would blast out of a blind, unmarked driveway right into their path, or that an inattentive driver would turn left in front of them.
I’ve even heard people blame innocent pedestrians when they are hit by cars that jump the curb and plow into crowds. As ridiculous as it may seem on the surface, this seems to have become an emerging theme of American culture. Blame the victim, not the wrongdoer, especially when the wrongdoer is a business entity.
I hope that this trend reverses itself – it really seems to be warping our culture. So, let’s feel good for the people who are blessed with good fortune, and lend a hand to those who have had some bad breaks. After all, it’s the civilized thing to do.
2:24 PM
Sunday, July 20, 2003
Better, But Still Blah.
I’ve been thinking that I should post something less bleak than my last entry. I’m still battling off a fairly acute bout of depression, but I feel like I’m getting a bit better.
It’s still hard to get myself moving to do the things I need to do. First and foremost, I need to find someplace to live. I’d like to find something here in San Francisco, and rents are down. But my memories of the past housing problems I’ve had loom large. I really need to get over it and just go find something. But apartment hunting still makes me want to puke.
I just need to accept that in this market, even in its current depressed state, the battle between tenant and landlord is real, ruthless, but can be won. They will try to steal from you at every turn, and in return you need to demand every scrap of service that is yours.
I do think that once I get this off my plate, my anxiety level will drop.
7:16 PM
Sunday, July 13, 2003
Moments of Darkness
Well, I suppose that I’m going through a bit of a funk – again. Then again, That’s not too surprising. This past week, I made travel arrangements to go to Florida to pick up my Grandmothers ashes, and then to go on to New York to scatter them. It’s kind of an emotional sledgehammer.
I’m also having more anxiety about the business. Not that we won’t be successful – I’m sure we will. It’s more that I need to see some income, and we need to close some business sooner rather than later. The savings account is getting thinner than I like it to be,
Plus I’m looking at apartments. And signing a lease at these rents makes me want to puke. And the rents are down from when I first moved here in 1999. But they’re still too high. And I have an overwhelming sense of dread that something bad is going to happen. This, of course, is not particularly rational, but it is how I’m feeling.
Maybe it’s because I feel like I have so much unfinished business. I’m 38, I’m still single, I’m not really dating and I’d love to have a family. But I don’t know if I’ll ever afford to be able to have a family. I can barely take care of myself right now. So, I’m being irrationally bleak about a lot of things.
Once again, I’m glad that I don’t have a suicidal bone in my body.
And I am doing things to take care of myself. I’m going to the gym. I’m cooking my own food, although I’m still eating too much. And I’m being productive at work. (Or at least I think I’m being productive at work.)
I think I’ll check out the Unitarian church here in SF tomorrow morning. Or this morning, as it’s just past midnight right now.
There are so many things I want to do and to experience, but right now, I’m just paralyzed. I wish I could just break free of my fears. Damn, this has turned into a big wallow of self-pity, hasn’t it? And our society has nothing but scorn and anger for people who aren’t chipper all the time, so maybe I should just give up. But then what? And what would that mean? There really is no way to give up – at least not for me. If I’m not engaged, I start to crack up, and that’s not something I can afford right now.
And there are worthwhile things out there, I just have to give myself permission to go find them. So, how do I start after so many years of hiding, so many years of waiting for things to be easier, waiting to feel more secure, waiting to not be afraid?
And there’s a part of me that knows that this whole rant is bullshit. That I’ve done things that are worthwhile, that I’ve had some good experiences, that life is worth living. I went back to school when no one took me seriously. (Whether that made sense from a financial perspective is another story.) I’ve traveled more than most people, and will find a way to travel some more. I’ve always managed to keep a roof over my head. So why do I have these fits of self-doubt.
Maybe this little episode (which is really acute, like nothing I’ve had in years) is really a byproduct of my grief. Or at least that’s a good excuse. But a day doesn’t go by when I don’t have a flash of realization that I can’t share something new and interesting with my Grandmother.
But, sadness is as much a part of life as is joy, and we have to take things as they come. And on the whole, the world is a beautiful place, and there are a lot of good people out there, probably enough to offset the hateful, negligent ones.
3:37 AM
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