Monday, June 30, 2003
A Great Loss
As I write, I’m flying back to California from Florida. The last week has been one of the saddest of my life, but in some ways, also the most reassuring.
Last Wednesday, at the age of 93, my Grandmother, Edith passed away after a sudden illness. She was truly a remarkable woman – in many cases the sole point of stability in my chaotic family. It was a surreal experience, and I cannot count the number of people who said, “I thought she would live forever.”
There is a stage of life where one is expected to be responsible for certain things, and I suppose that I am right in the center of that time. And, given that I am usually the one who worries about things being done in the right way, I was responsible, along with my cousins Doris and Bob, for making the arrangements for a memorial service. This past week, I became acutely aware of the line between public and private grief, and had to manage my behavior accordingly.
I won’t eulogize my Grandmother here – those of you who knew her are aware of her strengths, those of you who did not need only know that she was a woman of integrity, good humor and independence who always found the best memories and cherished them.
Over the course of the past week, two of my friends took time from their busy lives to visit my family and provide me with a reservoir of insight and stability that was complementary to what my family could provide. Others could not travel, but phoned or stood by their phones to offer me their love and support.
As of yet, I have not had the quite time that I need to settle my own mind. With my Grandmother’s death, all of my ancestors (at least those that I know) are gone. I have lost my wisest counsel and best source of institutional knowledge.
During this week, I reached out to my sisters, and would have to my brothers, but they could not be found. I only succeeded in connecting with my eldest sister, and we spoke for the better part of an hour. I intend to keep in better touch, and at the very least, not allow the two of us to drift as far apart as we had.
I also reached out to my first cousins, whom I have not seen since I was about fifteen. One was able to travel to Florida for the funeral – I am truly glad that this was possible. She is truly a pistol, or as my cousin Doris said, “Vivacious!”
Of all my family, my Grandmother was probably the only one who set her expectations for me in terms of happiness, not in terms of career or academics. I will do my best to be happy, and to use her happiness and sense of resolve as my model.
I’m also returning to California with what I hope is a new sense of confidence. This past week I was able to do one of the things I most dreaded, and I not only made it through whole, I was able to help my family and my Grandmother’s friends begin their journey towards closure. With any luck, I’ll be able to bring this confidence to bear in matters of business, and of the heart, and be successful in both.
8:11 PM
Thursday, June 12, 2003
Tangible Studios
That will be our new name. I’m pretty excited at the idea of doing a clean rollout of the new name and using it as a launchpoint for a new business development effort.
I’ve been in a little bit of a funk lately. For some reason, I’ve been having a most excellent case of writer’s block. Today, I needed to do some writing that’s pretty critical for the business, and instead I’ve been finding other things to do, such as go to Costco during “business member” hours. It’s something that needed to be done, but it didn’t really need to be done today.
The other issue at play today is that I was desperate for some human contact. So, I picked up and went to Borders to read some magazines and try to pick up on the writing I needed to do.
I’m also planning a trip to New Jersey for my Grandmother and me. She’s going to stay on for two weeks to visit some family down in South Jersey, but I will only have a few days. Perhaps I can set up a chance to meet some of my Simon peeps. That would add to a potentially really great trip. And I miss the city. Although the city in July is less than fun – but fun is where you make it.
I’ve been sleeping kind of badly lately, and I don’t have a clue as to why. I have a doctor appointment next week, so perhaps she can shed some light on the situation. I also joined the gym. Thankfully, the local Y has no joining fee, so it’s only expensive, not ruinously expensive.
My biz partner David has been supportive of me, urging me to join (and go to) the gym, and to sign up for Match.com. I’m having a bit of a hurdle on actually sending any emails, but I’ll just have to get over it.
9:27 PM
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