Tuesday, July 29, 2003
Life’s A Lottery
More airborne philosophizing. Right now, I’m sitting on a plane flying from Minneapolis to Tampa. Not that I was really in the M-polis, I just changed planes there. And I didn’t sleep on the red-eye from SFO to MSP, so please forgive my rambling.
We all get dealt a hand, and we have the freedom to trade some of our cards and not others. (OK, so maybe life is more of a poker game.) Random things happen, good and bad, and we just have to roll with them.
And some things are good and bad. I loved my Grandmother dearly, and I miss her greatly, but I have very strong memories – memories that I can turn to for strength, and guidance. Not as good as actually talking with her, of course, but you take what you can get.
And on yet another sad note, my friend Guy’s grandmother is gravely ill. She’s been down this road before and recovered miraculously, but the doctors feel that she will not make it. Guy was kind enough to travel down to Florida when my grandmother was dying. I don’t have that flexibility right now, but I will be in NJ later this week and will be sure to visit with his mother, whom I also care about deeply.
At the risk of sounding flippant, it’s been a bad year for grandmothers. Scott’s grandmother passed away while I was driving out to California last April. I lost my grandmother last month, and now Guy’s grandmother. Very sad.
I used to work for someone who believed very sincerely that all things happened in threes, good and bad. He drew this, I believe, from his strong belief in the Trinity. While I don’t know about that, I do look forward to some happier times soon.
As to my original comment, that life is a lottery, what I really mean is that there are many things that happen to us that are completely out of our control. We go about our lives, and sometimes we get hit by the money truck, and other times we get hit by a real truck. While there are things that we can do to improve the odds, you never know when you’re just going to be in the wrong place at the wrong time, or in the right place at the right time.
This leads me to two main thoughts. First, that we need to stop and enjoy our good fortune when we can. We live in a world filled with beauty, and there are lots of opportunities to enjoy ourselves and be happy. And, if we’re smart, we can make things better for others as we travel down the road of life.
The second thought is that we really need to stop and reexamine the cult of personal responsibility that has sprung up over the past twenty years or so. Yes, people make foolish choices, and when these choices turn out badly, there is a cost to be borne. But sometimes these choices are made out of ignorance – and shouldn’t we try to help our fellow man, not by handouts, but by teaching and by kindness.
There is also a tendency to blame people for the random bad things that happen to them. I subscribe to an e-mail list that focuses on BMW motorcycles. Inevitably, list members have traffic accidents, some of which were avoidable and others that weren’t. But there is a surprising tendency to blame accident victims for not being sufficiently clairvoyant to predict that a car would blast out of a blind, unmarked driveway right into their path, or that an inattentive driver would turn left in front of them.
I’ve even heard people blame innocent pedestrians when they are hit by cars that jump the curb and plow into crowds. As ridiculous as it may seem on the surface, this seems to have become an emerging theme of American culture. Blame the victim, not the wrongdoer, especially when the wrongdoer is a business entity.
I hope that this trend reverses itself – it really seems to be warping our culture. So, let’s feel good for the people who are blessed with good fortune, and lend a hand to those who have had some bad breaks. After all, it’s the civilized thing to do.
2:24 PM
Sunday, July 20, 2003
Better, But Still Blah.
I’ve been thinking that I should post something less bleak than my last entry. I’m still battling off a fairly acute bout of depression, but I feel like I’m getting a bit better.
It’s still hard to get myself moving to do the things I need to do. First and foremost, I need to find someplace to live. I’d like to find something here in San Francisco, and rents are down. But my memories of the past housing problems I’ve had loom large. I really need to get over it and just go find something. But apartment hunting still makes me want to puke.
I just need to accept that in this market, even in its current depressed state, the battle between tenant and landlord is real, ruthless, but can be won. They will try to steal from you at every turn, and in return you need to demand every scrap of service that is yours.
I do think that once I get this off my plate, my anxiety level will drop.
7:16 PM
Sunday, July 13, 2003
Moments of Darkness
Well, I suppose that I’m going through a bit of a funk – again. Then again, That’s not too surprising. This past week, I made travel arrangements to go to Florida to pick up my Grandmothers ashes, and then to go on to New York to scatter them. It’s kind of an emotional sledgehammer.
I’m also having more anxiety about the business. Not that we won’t be successful – I’m sure we will. It’s more that I need to see some income, and we need to close some business sooner rather than later. The savings account is getting thinner than I like it to be,
Plus I’m looking at apartments. And signing a lease at these rents makes me want to puke. And the rents are down from when I first moved here in 1999. But they’re still too high. And I have an overwhelming sense of dread that something bad is going to happen. This, of course, is not particularly rational, but it is how I’m feeling.
Maybe it’s because I feel like I have so much unfinished business. I’m 38, I’m still single, I’m not really dating and I’d love to have a family. But I don’t know if I’ll ever afford to be able to have a family. I can barely take care of myself right now. So, I’m being irrationally bleak about a lot of things.
Once again, I’m glad that I don’t have a suicidal bone in my body.
And I am doing things to take care of myself. I’m going to the gym. I’m cooking my own food, although I’m still eating too much. And I’m being productive at work. (Or at least I think I’m being productive at work.)
I think I’ll check out the Unitarian church here in SF tomorrow morning. Or this morning, as it’s just past midnight right now.
There are so many things I want to do and to experience, but right now, I’m just paralyzed. I wish I could just break free of my fears. Damn, this has turned into a big wallow of self-pity, hasn’t it? And our society has nothing but scorn and anger for people who aren’t chipper all the time, so maybe I should just give up. But then what? And what would that mean? There really is no way to give up – at least not for me. If I’m not engaged, I start to crack up, and that’s not something I can afford right now.
And there are worthwhile things out there, I just have to give myself permission to go find them. So, how do I start after so many years of hiding, so many years of waiting for things to be easier, waiting to feel more secure, waiting to not be afraid?
And there’s a part of me that knows that this whole rant is bullshit. That I’ve done things that are worthwhile, that I’ve had some good experiences, that life is worth living. I went back to school when no one took me seriously. (Whether that made sense from a financial perspective is another story.) I’ve traveled more than most people, and will find a way to travel some more. I’ve always managed to keep a roof over my head. So why do I have these fits of self-doubt.
Maybe this little episode (which is really acute, like nothing I’ve had in years) is really a byproduct of my grief. Or at least that’s a good excuse. But a day doesn’t go by when I don’t have a flash of realization that I can’t share something new and interesting with my Grandmother.
But, sadness is as much a part of life as is joy, and we have to take things as they come. And on the whole, the world is a beautiful place, and there are a lot of good people out there, probably enough to offset the hateful, negligent ones.
3:37 AM
Monday, June 30, 2003
A Great Loss
As I write, I’m flying back to California from Florida. The last week has been one of the saddest of my life, but in some ways, also the most reassuring.
Last Wednesday, at the age of 93, my Grandmother, Edith passed away after a sudden illness. She was truly a remarkable woman – in many cases the sole point of stability in my chaotic family. It was a surreal experience, and I cannot count the number of people who said, “I thought she would live forever.”
There is a stage of life where one is expected to be responsible for certain things, and I suppose that I am right in the center of that time. And, given that I am usually the one who worries about things being done in the right way, I was responsible, along with my cousins Doris and Bob, for making the arrangements for a memorial service. This past week, I became acutely aware of the line between public and private grief, and had to manage my behavior accordingly.
I won’t eulogize my Grandmother here – those of you who knew her are aware of her strengths, those of you who did not need only know that she was a woman of integrity, good humor and independence who always found the best memories and cherished them.
Over the course of the past week, two of my friends took time from their busy lives to visit my family and provide me with a reservoir of insight and stability that was complementary to what my family could provide. Others could not travel, but phoned or stood by their phones to offer me their love and support.
As of yet, I have not had the quite time that I need to settle my own mind. With my Grandmother’s death, all of my ancestors (at least those that I know) are gone. I have lost my wisest counsel and best source of institutional knowledge.
During this week, I reached out to my sisters, and would have to my brothers, but they could not be found. I only succeeded in connecting with my eldest sister, and we spoke for the better part of an hour. I intend to keep in better touch, and at the very least, not allow the two of us to drift as far apart as we had.
I also reached out to my first cousins, whom I have not seen since I was about fifteen. One was able to travel to Florida for the funeral – I am truly glad that this was possible. She is truly a pistol, or as my cousin Doris said, “Vivacious!”
Of all my family, my Grandmother was probably the only one who set her expectations for me in terms of happiness, not in terms of career or academics. I will do my best to be happy, and to use her happiness and sense of resolve as my model.
I’m also returning to California with what I hope is a new sense of confidence. This past week I was able to do one of the things I most dreaded, and I not only made it through whole, I was able to help my family and my Grandmother’s friends begin their journey towards closure. With any luck, I’ll be able to bring this confidence to bear in matters of business, and of the heart, and be successful in both.
8:11 PM
Thursday, June 12, 2003
Tangible Studios
That will be our new name. I’m pretty excited at the idea of doing a clean rollout of the new name and using it as a launchpoint for a new business development effort.
I’ve been in a little bit of a funk lately. For some reason, I’ve been having a most excellent case of writer’s block. Today, I needed to do some writing that’s pretty critical for the business, and instead I’ve been finding other things to do, such as go to Costco during “business member” hours. It’s something that needed to be done, but it didn’t really need to be done today.
The other issue at play today is that I was desperate for some human contact. So, I picked up and went to Borders to read some magazines and try to pick up on the writing I needed to do.
I’m also planning a trip to New Jersey for my Grandmother and me. She’s going to stay on for two weeks to visit some family down in South Jersey, but I will only have a few days. Perhaps I can set up a chance to meet some of my Simon peeps. That would add to a potentially really great trip. And I miss the city. Although the city in July is less than fun – but fun is where you make it.
I’ve been sleeping kind of badly lately, and I don’t have a clue as to why. I have a doctor appointment next week, so perhaps she can shed some light on the situation. I also joined the gym. Thankfully, the local Y has no joining fee, so it’s only expensive, not ruinously expensive.
My biz partner David has been supportive of me, urging me to join (and go to) the gym, and to sign up for Match.com. I’m having a bit of a hurdle on actually sending any emails, but I’ll just have to get over it.
9:27 PM
Monday, May 26, 2003
What Does Remarkable Mean?
Today, I had a bit of a revelation, brought on by a book I’m reading. It wasn’t so much what the book was about, but more that it was about people who have made remarkable scientific discoveries, e.g. the background radiation of the Big Bang.
This coupled with watching a few episodes of Malcolm in the Middle last night got me to thinking about what makes a person “remarkable.” It’s clearly not talent – lots of talented people go overlooked. It’s not just brains – how many really, really smart people are there toiling away at jobs that are way below their potential.
(Actually, another source of this thinking was Steve Martin’s novella, Shopgirl which I highly recommend. Martin is a surprisingly talented writer. His prose is clean, unadorned, expressive and very American in its directness. In any case, in this book, a highly successful businessman courts a much younger, very attractive artist who is working as a salesgirl in Neiman Marcus.)
So, where is all this going? I had a few self-depreciating moments, wondering if and how I would ever realize my potential. I seem to have a desire to know a little bit about lots of things, but not to know everything about one thing. Some might see this as impatience, or lack of discipline, and deride them as character faults. But, the more I think about it, the more I come to realize that it’s not a fault, it’s an asset. I can be credible to just about anyone, at least as someone who can understand things easily. But, will I ever be one of those famous, “remarkable” people. The answer is probably not – but do I need to be?
As a kid, after some detours caused by confused parenting, I found myself tracked with “gifted” students, whatever that means. In High School, I self selected and put myself in a school with so many bright kids that I was utterly unremarkable. After that, things became disorganized. I had never developed good study habits and I paid the price. Everything was easy until college.
Continuing the ramble, did I not learn to focus deeply because I was unchallenged, or because I was isolated amongst other bright kids and didn’t have to learn how to compartmentalize my time with so much for social activities and so much for intellectual activities. The point is not moot – if I ever do have kids I’ll need to know so that I can help them make more informed decisions than I was able to.
So, now I sit here, in the midst of an interesting, but somewhat scattershot career, pondering how to make my business a success, and ultimately what that success will look like – not an easy question. And ultimately, do I want to be "remarkable"? And if so, in what way?
6:34 PM
Sunday, May 25, 2003
Breakfast Thoughts
This morning, I found myself sitting in downtown Burlingame, CA having coffee, watching the world go by. This is a very bourgeois town, so much so that it sometimes parodies itself. The outdoorsy look is very popular here – just about everyone wears a fleece top of some kind. As I was eating my breakfast at the Copenhagen Bakery (a personal favorite), a middle-aged woman strolled past the window looking as if she had just been beamed in from planet LA. Her mane of slightly overprocessed hair, statuesque (and obviously surgically enhanced) figure, fashionable clothes and shoes and perfect make-up all declared her to be an outsider, at least spiritually. I found her to be a breath of fresh air, oddly enough. An icon of another reality. Of course, in LA, she would be a part of the crowd and in no way remarkable or worthy of comment.
Today, I plan to go into the city to see Carnival in the Mission District. It’s kind of an odd time of year to have Carnival, but no less odd than Brooklyn holding its West Indian Parade, which is also Carnival, on Labor Day weekend.
I also need to do a little soul searching and put together a list of what I need and hope to get out of my relationship with Square One. This is harder than it sounds. I also need to put some structural things in place so I can tend to my health. A couple if days ago, I found myself standing naked in front of a full-length mirror in my hotel room, and I didn not like what I saw. I clearly need to lose weight. I still carry it better than most people, thanks to my over-wide frame, but I want to lose 40 pounds, which will get me down to 195. I also have a few minor problems that I’m going to chat with my doctor about in a week or so. On the whole, I feel pretty good, although I’d like my energy level to be higher.
I’m researching business structures and am trying to balance my demands on S1 with its legal requirements. The whole shebang is pretty complex, and we need to get with the program with regard to maintaining the corporate veil and appropriately shielding ourselves from liability.
I’m also at wits end with regard to my computer situation. Basically Apple service sucks shit. Sorry for the foul language, but that’s as polite as I can be right now. I sent in my computer on 4/15 for a sound problem, and they basically destroyed it. They returned it to me wiped, unstable (kernel panics every 2-3 minutes) and with the original problem unrepaired. They eventually agreed to replace it, and I’m still waiting. In the meantime, I’m using a small iBook that belongs to Square One. Unfortunately, the battery only lasts about 1 hour if you use the machine lightly, and if you try to do any real work, it conks out in 20 minutes or so. Gah! But, Apple has unclogged its gears and should be able to spit out a machine next week. If not, it’s off to small claims to sue Apple. What fun.
5:05 PM
Friday, May 23, 2003
Buys, Busy!
Things are rolling right along here in Square One land. We are doing a fair number of proposals and getting good responses. Like all small business, we seem to alternate between two states of alarm – not enough work and too much work.
I’ve found a nice sublet on top of Twin Peaks, with a great view of the city. One of the issues with living up there is that there’s not too much in the way of neighborhood, but it’s temporary, safe and clean, so it’s all good, at least until late August.
Holiday Weekend
And, believing in planning, I have no idea what to do this weekend. I’ve found some stuff that looks interesting happening around town and will make a concerted effort to get out there and have a good time.
7:01 PM
Tuesday, May 13, 2003
It’s a Small World After All
Today, I had my first close encounter of the blogging kind. My biz partner just got a phone call from an old flame who found his contact info through my blog. Simply because she googled for “Rant du Jour”. I had always thought that my blog had a very limited audience, mostly consisting of a few close friends. (I’m too cheap to pay for tracking that tells me the referring page and Blogger’s service makes the page load too slowly.)
So, this has inspired a new wave of blogging, including the post that appears below, which I wrote just about a month ago and never posted.
And, since I’m here, I’ll give a plug to Get Your War On, which has just taken a slight detour to lambast Bill Bennett.
5:10 PM
On The Road Again
April 16, 2003
What a crazy world we live in. I sit here in LAX, drinking an acceptable Red Ale, having just eaten a nice Caesar Salad from Boudin – not bad for airport food. I have seen such beautiful people stroll by that I feel not just awkard, but a bit unsightly. And a lot of the people are non-white. Another reason I love California.
I love New York, too. Then again, it’s hard to think of places I don’t love. Berlin has its tragic sophistication and it’s old-world reserve. Paris has its ornamentation and its art and its food. Tokyo has its energy, its lights, its food and remains our circus mirror on the West. Canada is just different enough to be interesting. Florida gives our elderly a place to live in an industrial workers’ retirement paradise. LA is superficial, and God bless them for it. SF lets it all hang out, but just so.
I have made a few observations the past few days:
First, and perhaps least important, I have recalled that The Beatles can make me cry. Particularly on airplanes. The odd chord structure of Norwegian Wood has always been very evocative for me, but I sat there listening, over and over, thinking not only of the song, but of the Huruki Murakami novel. Isn’t it good, Norwegian wood? Follow it up with other Beatles standards, and my role deteriorates into sitting there, staring at the tops of clouds, wiping the tears from my eyes.
I have also decided that relocating back to the West Coast is a good idea. I have missed the beautiful landscape and the food. (Then again, I always miss the food. I already miss good pastratmi, nice pickles, East Coast Chinese food and diners.)
I have also reaffirmed my belief in my own intelligence, energy and ability to make things happen. And it’s about time, too.
So, my future is hooked up to a startup, with David whom I know pretty well, and Ayo, whom I know not at all. He’s damned talented, though. We will be proud of the work he leads. He gets it, David gets it, and I’m pretty sure I get it.
5:00 PM
Tuesday, April 01, 2003
Things Political
I've been reading too many blogs. Political blogs. Blogs that convince me that American civilization is imperiled by the fascist loonies in the White House. So, here's my own highly abridged blog reading list, for those of you who might be interested:
Daily:
Tom Tomorrow
Electrolite
which are pretty thoughtful, and if I want to read a rant or two
Seeing the Forest
I also periodically check out the much-read Atrios and Calpundit, but I usually use Tom Tomorrow and Electrolite as filters - it's just easier that way.
9:52 PM
Back to the Blog
I’ve taken a bit of a blog hiatus, but now I’m back. The past six weeks or so have been transformative and energizing for me. I will, barring any unforeseen circumstances, be joining Square One Creative Group, a small agency that specializes in building brands and developing creative marketing ideas. It was founded by my friend David about two years ago, but the Sqr1 identity only came online a few months ago. (Note that the site is currently a placeholder – we have lots to do!)
As I write this, I find myself sitting on a United 767 bound for LAX. I haven’t been on a plane since last November, when I came home from Europe. I have had the luxury of being able to plumb the job market, ponder a couple of business opportunites, surf the web way too much, and work myself up into a lather over the whole Bush thing.
I’ve been to Florida, I’ve visited old friends, I’ve bummed around New York, and most rewarding of all – I was able to spend a good deal of time with my niece Lauren, the smartest, sweetest, prettiest and all-around best 17 month old in New Jersey.
Now I get to take the bull by the horns and do something fun and original – and hopefully rewarding.
9:44 PM
Saturday, March 01, 2003
Just a Quick Note
Been doing the job search thing - had an interview on Monday, which went well. Not great, but well. Result - a resounding DING!
No big deal, the place felt pretty button-down anyway, although the position was pretty much right up my alley. So, I'm going to write a nice little note thanking them and leaving the door open - for whatever that's worth.
Today, I went into the city and visited the Neue Galerie. They've got a nice little collection of turn-of-the-century Viennese stuff - Wiener Werkstaette, Klimt, Schiele, etc. Not a giant collection, but a quality collection that gives a good sense of the art and its times.
I'm going to make a bigger effort to make a real update soon.
12:16 AM
Wednesday, February 12, 2003
NEW!!
I've added an About Me page, but it's not finished yet.
12:38 AM
Tuesday, February 11, 2003
So Much For The Quiet Period
I haven't poseted in over a week, not really by design. It's just that I've either been too bummed or too busy to put my thoughts in order. Today, I had a phone interview, and I'm starting to get some headhunter action going. I'm pretty sure I can find something soon.
I've also been having the stomach pains I associate with being really stressed out. Then again, I knew I'd be stressed out at just about this point. I need to keep my focus on the upside, renew old acquaintances and put my ass in gear.
11:00 PM
Monday, February 03, 2003
All CEO's Go to Heaven
A few months ago, I ranted about how the media lauded Henry Nicholas III of Broadcom for his work ethic, which consisted of a regular schedule of less than four hours of sleep a night. Now, he's quit Broadcom to focus on his family. Forbes, of course, doesn't bat an eyelash and continues to laud him for his commitment. It takes Nicholas himself to acknowledge that he blew it.
11:31 AM
Friday, January 31, 2003
Going Postal - In A Good Way
I was on line at the local PO, where they have a TV to help placate the line-bound masses, yearning to post their parcels. The TV was tuned to CNN, which was discussing the Bushies attempts to internationalize their splendid little war. A British commentator came on and said something to the effect of "I can understand why someone would want to make up for their father's disastrous mistake." Everyone burst out laughing, clerks, customers, security guards.
It's a small thing, but a source of hope, nonetheless.
Wild Vaccine Chase
A couple of days ago, M’s parents came over to help watch baby L, because both M and L’s nanny J were sick.
Yesterday M’s mom called to say that she had the shingles. All I can say is that I hope it’s not a bad case, and I understand that it is among the most painful things that an adult can experience, short of trauma.
Her doctor advised that anyone that she came into contact with who did not have immunity to Varicella should go get vaccinated ASAP. Of course, I’ve never had Chicken Pox, so I checked the NIH, CDC and WebMD sites for more info in what I should do. It seems that the vaccine had a good shot at interrupting an infection if administered within 72 hours of exposure.
So, at 10 AM, I called my doctor. They don’t have it and said to call a pediatrician or the ambulatory care center as St. Barnabas, the local hospital.
L’s pediatrician refused treat an adult and said to call St. Barnabas Ambulatory Center.
St. Barnabas Ambulatory Center said to call the main hospital.
The main hospital said to call Clara Maass, an affiliated hospital.
Clara Maass gave me a list of doctors to call, none of whom had the vaccine.
I called my insurance company, who gave me the number of an advocacy group for adult vaccinations.
The advocacy group suggested I call the local Health Department.
I called the Essex County Health Department who told me to call UMDNJ, the Rutgers affiliated teaching hospital in downtown Newark.
UMDNJ told me to call the Essex County Health Department.
I called the Livingston Township Health Department, where I spoke to a nurse who suggested I call some of the local urgent care centers (a.k.a. Doc-in-the-Box).
I called an urgent care center in West Orange, and lo and behold, they had the vaccine, for a mere $102, administered. This was just past noon.
I can’t believe that it took two hours of dedicated phone time to find someplace to get this vaccine.
I got to the Doc-in-the Box at about 12:30, filled out some forms, paid my money and waited some more. They gave me the shot at about 1:30.
So, now I know where to get adult immunizations. But, shouldn’t medical offices know this? If they choose not to provide a particular service, they should know where to send their patients, shouldn’t they? Shouldn’t doctors be held to a higher standard when it comes to helping their patients negotiate the health care system?
So, thanks, Doc-in-the-Box, and thanks to the nurse at the Livingston Health Department.
Boy, am I beat!
5:10 PM
Thursday, January 30, 2003
Fear of Poetry
The Bushies are afraid of a bunch of poets! I guess too many peaceniks spoil the war.
4:53 PM
Tuesday, January 28, 2003
Just Say Yes
To mondegreens. You know, mishearings, like the line from Lucy In The Sky With Diamonds that goes "the girl with colitis goes by".
Hank be With You
This is pretty amusing. For more context, you can check out Kissing Hank's Ass. (Warning! Not for the religously sensitive.)
10:36 AM
Sunday, January 26, 2003
Some Well-Dressed Non-Republican Shrubs
The SF Chron's DIP came through again with this great picture of sartorially astute greenery.
Bloomberg Thinks "Singapore"
In his latest rants about chewing gum. (May expire in a week, so act fast!)
3:38 PM
Friday, January 24, 2003
Site Names
Can't sleep. Tense. Mind running all over the place, including retitling my blog. Here are some ideas:
Efficient Grapes
There Aint No Such Thing As Free Verse
The Bile Duct
Write Only Memory
Onanistic Notes
Medulla Obligata
From My Brain To Yours
and, with thanks to my friend Marc:
Fierce, Like Cheese
12:31 AM
Thursday, January 23, 2003
Dream, Dream, Dream
I suppose that everyone has recurring dreams. Last night, I had two of my most common bad dreams (it’s hard to call them nightmares, bad dreams is more descriptive) rolled into a pastiche. This was a new one for me – as far as I know, I’ve never had a multiple repeat-dream before. This one was a combination of the “registered for a class, forgot about it, and now I’ve got to take the final in order to graduate” dream (college this time, not high school) and the “can’t gather up my stuff in time to get off the train at my stop because I’ve got to do something more important” dream. This time, I was also aware that it was a dream while it was happening, so I wasn’t too worried about whether or not I’d be able to get off the train, at school, in time to take the final, after studying and after tutoring the cute girl who somehow knew I was in the class I never went to.
Odd.
IKEA Madness
I also took a quick trip over to IKEA to buy a cheap chair so I would have something to sit on without hurting my back. What a zoo, even on a Wednesday. I had forgotten about the best feature of the Elizabeth, NJ IKEA – you can sit in the cafeteria and watch the planes take off and land at Newark Airport, just across the Turnpike from the store.
I also decided to check out the nearby Jersey Gardens outlet mall. It’s a surprisingly nice mall, with very modern decor and comfortable chairs. The stores were typical outlet schlock, though. If I had money, I would have probably bought a pair or two of shoes.
One thing that I haven’t figured out is my complete inability to find cool shoes in New Jersey. A couple of months ago, I insulted the salesman in Nordstrom by telling him that the shoe department in Short Hills Mall was smaller and had nothing interesting compared to the stores in California. He proudly stated that his store was number 3 in the US for shoe sales. I think that its because people in Jersey are more likely to cough up $600 for a pair of ridiculous Gucci loafers.
Giving In
I’ve more or less decided that my finances dictate that I take a job I don’t really want just so I can get myself out of debt and build up some savings. I hope that I can find something that I’ll enjoy doing. The truth is that I’m a really good worker, but I absolutely hate working with people who poison the well. Like people who don’t do much but put in long hours, or toadys, or political animals who only do something if it makes them look good. And I don’t want to work for an organization that rewards those types of employees.
So, do I go back to the software industry? It’s the obvious choice. I’ve had at least one friend suggest that I try my hand as an independent consultant. Unfortunately, the job would combine all of the ass-kissing and make-work of consulting, along with all of the cold-calling and rejections of sales. Then again, I think doing some selling would be good for me. Ultimately, I would like to be in business for myself, just not as a consultant. In addition to the above problems, it’s not scalable unless you hire other consultants, and before you know it, you’re just another consulting firm. Ugh.
So, if I go back to software, where should I go? I don’t want to go back to California – I can’t save a dime there unless I get myself into a roommate situation, and at 37, I don’t think that’s a good idea. I dislike Boston something fierce. So that leaves here, RTP and whatever opportunities I might find in random places.
I’m trying hard not to feel too negative about this, but the prospect is pretty damned depressing. There’s got to be a way to do something interesting and still make a decent living. I’ll keep looking, even as I begin the death march towards another soul-crushing stint as a cog in the corporate machine.
Wow, that’s depressing. I need to lighten up a bit.
Pear Pimples for Hairy Fishnuts
Random find today – Opus torments a Hare Krishna. This is one of my all-time favorite cartoons. It’s the next-to-last one on the page.
11:26 PM
Thursday, January 09, 2003
"Oh Boy, Can You Get Stucco!"
What else can one say about Florida, the biggest real estate boom state in the history of the US. The land use decisions here are truly atrocious, creating a world of one strip mall after another with nothing interesting, a real shortage of pedestrian downtowns and a genuine feeling of disposability.
That said, at least the quality of the food available here has improved. Last night we went to a tapas bar in Tampa which was very good, if a bit expensive. Not the sort of thing that would have been found here twenty years ago.
After dinner, I wanted to go to Ybor City and check the place out at night, unfortunately, Andrew wussed out and didn’t want to go. Ybor City is a restoration district. It is the historical home of the Cuban community in Tampa, and the former home of Tampa’s erstwhile cigar industry. Andrew and I went there while waiting for Guy to arrive at the airport. We had some pretty terrific barbecue, and found a nice cigar bar where we were able to sit, enjoy a nice cigar and a coffee, and watch the world go by. Not bad.
Waiting For Tiger
We went golfing on Tuesday. That is, Guy and Andrew went golfing, I tried to murder a little white ball with a set of blunt instruments. I did make a Par 3 hole, but that was the high spot for me. If I’m really going to get into golf, I need to practice. Then again, I’ve been saying that for the past four years. Perhaps there’s a message in there.
Yesterday, I was a bit tired, today, my muscles are actually complaining. Then again, golf uses muscles that normally don’t get too much use, so I guess I’m allowed to be a bit sore.
11:22 AM
Monday, January 06, 2003
Arson for Jesus
Sometimes my own country really scares me. Outside the condo I’m staying in on Treasure Island, FL, there’s a large pickup with a camper top. This is not terribly remarkable in itself. There are, however, two features of this truck that are remarkable – three stickers that say "Hellfire and Holy Ghost, Arson for Jesus" and a large spoiler on top (about 3' high and 5' wide) that proclaims "Jesus Saves" and has the name of a business written beneath it.
Arson for Jesus? Forgive me for not understanding. BTW, the truck has Alabama plates.
More travelogue to come...
11:07 PM
Thursday, January 02, 2003
Sub-Tropical Madness
Today, I hit that point I always reach every time I visit Florida – the Primal Scream Point. I am so thankful that I don’t have to live in Florida, the place makes me crazy. The town my Grandmother lives in is a sort of WWII (and early Silent) generation working-class paradise. Things are cheap – both in price and in quality, and the people seem SO downtrodden and stupid.
Don’t get me wrong, I love my Grandmother dearly, and I also love the rest of my family who live down here, but this is truly the land of diminished expectations. I went to the mall today. The best store in the mall is Dillard’s, which can best be described as Macy’s meets the Golden Girls on the way to the golf course. The mall rats here are of a particularly dejected variety – I’ve never seen so many dull looking teenagers sporting so many bad tattoos (both design and execution) and so many people dressed in polyester (including the 30-somethings).
It seems that the only people down here with reasonable economic prospects either own a business or are in real estate. Then again, the census and ACORN info for this area pretty much says it all. The average household income is in just over $31k, the age distribution is skewed towards retirees and very young families, and it’s lilly white. There simply aren’t too many people around here between the ages of 35 and 55. And no wonder – what is there to do here? Work in Publix as a bagger?
So, tomorrow, I’m going to clean out the gutters (an issue which is ever-present with my Grandmother), check into deals on satellite TV (cable is up to $46/month), let Gram buy me lunch for my birthday, exchange a garbage can I bought at Target that’s just a little too big, and pack up to head out on my golf trip.
I’ll be back before I head back north. Here’s more of my travelogue:
December 27-29 – Asheville, NC
It was really good to see Marcum, his brother Sam and his mother. Asheville remains one of the most beautiful places I’ve been. The setting is really spectacular. Asheville sits in some relatively level land in the French Broad River basin in western North Carolina. Mt. Pisgah dominates the skyline, and the rest of the Appalachians complete the mountain panorama.
On Friday, Marc, Sam and I went downtown and had lunch at a really good Japanese restaurant and walked around the downtown area. Much of downtown Asheville was built in the 1920’s and managed to remain intact largely due to the area’s backwater status. There are lots of architectural gems downtown, including the Post Office, which is now a federal courthouse, the Grove Arcade, which malingered for many years as a federal office building but has been recently renovated, St. Lawrence’s Basilica, home of the largest self-supporting oval dome in North America, and the Battery Park Hotel, now a residence for seniors.
On Saturday, Marc and I drove out to Sylva (Sam had gone home) and Cullowhee, just to check things out. Cullowhee is nothing to speak of. It’s the home of Carolina Western University, the poor stepchild of the NC university system. Sylva is a charming little town with a courthouse that sits on a hill at the end of the four-block long Main Street. I would guess that things have changed there a lot, as Main St. is now home to fru-fru bakeries and touristy stuff rather than the sorts of businesses one would expect there.
On Sunday, Marc, Nell (Marc’s mom) and I went out to Fontana Lake and Dam. The dam is the largest in the TVA system and is quite spectacular. On the way out, we drove through the Cherokee reservation. The res appeared to be pretty downtrodden. I suspect that not too much of the proceeds of the new Harrah’s casino was being pumped back into the community.
On the way back, we went through the Nantahala River Gorge, which is reputed to be so steep that the river only gets direct sunlight for a couple of hours each day. Again, more spectacular scenery. There really is something special about this part of the country. When we got back to Asheville, we ate at The Laughing Seed, one of the first restaurants to spring up during the areas renaissance. I really like the place, despite the fact that the prices have gone up considerably since I first ate there five years ago. (Notably, the place’s address is 40 Wall St, an address I worked at in New York City for many, many years.)
December 30 – Driving to Florida
My drive down to Florida was pretty uneventful. I took I-26 down to US 25 into I-85, through Athens, GA on US 441/129, and the rest of the way on I-75. I like Athens. Then again, I tend to like college towns - probably because you can always get good food on the cheap in college towns.
My main discovery on this trip is that there is no lane discipline in Florida. People just feel free to do 45 in the left lane and don’t notice that they’re being passed on the right.
My opinion that development and land use in Florida is out of control was only reinforced. I have no real objection to sprawl, but does it have to be so built-to-be-torn-down-in-five-years ugly? But, there’s no use getting upset at what you can’t control. Just wait till they run out of water...
10:44 PM
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